Being Thankful for B.J.

BJ, a former student, an outstanding football player, and a great friend, was killed in a tragic automobile accident on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. There was no visitation, but the family was at the home of grandparents. A memorial service was to be Sunday afternoon.
Saturday afternoon I set out to find the house where the family had gathered. This was one of those trips where God took the lead and I just followed. I drove right to the house and was welcomed in by grandparents. Their front room was a shrine of BJ. He was a fierce competitor on the athletic field; he loved hunting and fishing; but family and friendship was always first. While I never had BJ in class I watched him grow up as his mom taught with both Vicki and me. I sat at their dining room table and told BJ's mom that he was in heaven and he felt no pain. His suffering and any memory of suffering was extinguished at the time of his passing. I also assured her that he would not miss another family moment. She told me that she and her husband had seen him twice since the accident, once as deer in their front yard, and again as a lone Canada goose flying in the evening sky at sunset. Grandpa said he too had experienced BJ's presence. The family had made a cross to mark the spot on the roadway where the accident had occurred. It was a true work of art free from blemishes. When they placed it on the roadway, Grandpas noticed a flaw. He was sure that it was BJ in action. Grandpa said that he missed BJ messing with his hair and ruffling it up. While adjustments following a tragic death are hard and sometimes lenghty it seemed that this family was going to be alright. I truly felt good after that visit.
The memorial service on Sunday was a standing room only occasion. The standing filled the vestibule and many more filled the sidewalk and grounds outside. The program was a true testimony to the individual. A classmate was the minister in charge and his old football coach delivered the eulogy. Family and friends related story after story of the uniqueness and the genuine, sincere character of this fallen champion. All of this was wrapped tenderly in BJ’s trademark smile. He was a great man and it was a great day that we gave thanks for the life of B.J. It will be a pleasure to honor his life during the Thanksgiving season. And finally, B.J. did mess with grandpa’s hair. The swirling wind made it impossible for his hair to be anything but ruffled.

A Memorial to Josh Davis

The following is a memorial commentary sent to a good friend.
A Memorial to Josh Davis
Three years ago today God swoops down and reclaimed one of his own in the name of Josh Davis. You say, how could that be, Josh took his own life. God frowns on that kind of thing. Well, Josh's relationship with God began many years previous. I remember watching Josh grownup in the shadow of his big brother Justin. He was an active little boy, and he wanted to do everything big brother did. I remember one particular day Josh was especially excited as he had been baptized on Sunday and had accepted God as his own. Actually that could be the end of the story. When you accept Christ it is forever. Because of the nature of man and free will, we all make mistakes. Josh's last mistake was a big one, but it was just a mistake. A week later I attended another service for a young man who died from alcoholism. He lived a life of mistakes, but he did except God. I talked to a mutual friend about the situation and he said, that this young man tried hard to live right but his experiences just continued to result in failure, a failed life. He continued, sometimes people just can't make life's necessary adjustments, or they lose their way. Then God has to call them home. Josh started out like everyone else but circumstance took a heavy toll. When I attended his visitation three year ago, it must have been the coldest night of the year, spitting ice and snow. I remember the atmosphere inside the mortuary was one of grief and disbelief, maybe even anger. just as unsettled as the weather outside. On that cold evening in December there was no hope, no faith and little consolation. All I could think about was that young Josh and that day at school when he announced he had been baptized. I remember how proud he was. I know he is with God, and I wanted to shout it out. I know Josh is safe and happy at last.

Keeping Our Grandboys

Today's entry is all about grandchildren. We were blesse the past three days to have our grand kids stay with us while their mommy attended a conference. Their father goes to work early and there was no one to take them to school or pick them up, so it was better for them to stay with us. My disposition has been grumpy lately. I really don't know why, but grand kids are a great prescription for what is troubling you. When they're around you all your immediate worries melt away and you become totally focused on the moment. Doing homework, hearing them read to you, and practicing spelling word; just listening to what is important in their world. Their morning greeting, even though it is earlier than you are used to, gets the day started with meaning. Eating breakfast and packing lunches. What do kids take for lunches these days. PBJ and ham and cheese still seem to be pretty standard. Sign the homework sheets and then zip the backpacks. Drop them off at school. Our duty is done. They go back to their house after school tonight, to their mommy and daddy, and we'll return to our house. We'll pick up the remnents of their visit, enjoy the peace and quiet and look forward to a good night's sleep. We thank God for the opportunity to care for those special individuals and our lives our enriched.

Holy Spirit Alive

Last Friday, the christian community in our area was blessed with a performance by Tony Melendez. Tony is a muscisian who was born in Nicaragua with no arms. His attitude and outlook on life set the bar high for those in attendance. He played the guitar with his toes and is a talented vocalist who brings a message of hope and courage to a troubled world. Tony who was born in Central America and moved to the Los Angles area with his family when he was a young boy. While there he was asked to play at World Youth Days and was entertainment for Pope John Paul II. The Pope was so moved by his performance that he left his position on the stage and kissed the young performer's head. In his own words that kiss changed his life forever. Since that day in Los Angles he has taken his message of hope to many foreign countries and every state of the union. His high energy performance was "the Holy Spirit Alive." If anyone needed proof that God is working in the world today, it was right there, up close and personal. Spititual energy focused on a needy mankind that broke down denominational barrier and touched the heart of all those present.
His performance enhanced your senses. Segments of soft, serious scripture, touched hearts with peace and serenity. Hard driving lyrics pounds out the need for christian living. Hands waving and swaying to the in rhythm. There were tears of sadness, tears of laughter, tears of joy, tears of hope, and tears of peace. Then darkness. The "spirit" is absorbed. Then the harsh house lights, and we see each other. There it is Life, just as we left it! Our mission still ahead.

Who's the victim?

Last night I was at Walgreens and witnessed a shoplifting. The violator was a teenager, dressed oddly and behaving as if he was under the influence of something. He entered the store and went down the candy aisle, unzispped his back pack, filled it with candy, zipped it closed and he and another young male accomplise just vanished into the landscape. Knowing that there is nothing you can do until the violator leaves the store I said nothing until he approached the front door. As he walked out he activated the alarm which means he had something of value, not just candy. Despite the alarm, the young men continued to calmly walk away. I immediately told the cashier, who heard the alarm and watched as the two left the store that the back pack was full of stoloen merchandise. An ample amount of time passed before the cashier called for assistance, allowing time for the shoplifters to escape. The manager was slow to respond and scolded the cashier for interruptting her break. I was and am still upset. There was a newspaper on the counter with a picture of two young men in jail jump suits. As I checked out I pointed to the picture and commented that if this young man continues to have his illegal behavior enabled, we will see his picture on the front page of the newspaper following some major criminal act.

Questions! Did I do something wrong? Should I have tried to reason with this young man and talk him into replacing the stuff? Should I have made a big deal from the beginning, scaring him into releasing the stolen goods before running? I don't know.

Maybe the young man was dangerous. He didn't seem espercially rational. Who would want to be injured or killed over a bag of candy? Was the manager and cashier as lazy as they appeared? Did the store not have a shoplifting policy? The cashier knowingly allowed someone with stolen property, one who activated the security system, to leave without even a question. Others in the store were aware that a crime had been committed and were also aware that nothing was being done. I left the store and went about my regular activities.

This morning, on my way to work, I stopped at McDonalds for some breakfast. As I entered, I saw the young shopliifter ordering a special coffee product. As he turned to leave, he was with the same partner he had at Walgreens, we almost ran into each other. Our eyes met and I recognized him immediatley. Did he recognize me, or did the state he was in last night allow him to reognize anything? How weird is it that our paths would ever cross again, much less within hours. This young man was placed in my way. But why? All I know to do now is pray.

Walking Home

It was a Friday morning like every other Friday morning. Darrell had experienced questionable health the week previous that could be cause for alarm as he had received a kidney transplant just a year ago, but when he was walking, all was well. It was a cool crisp morning and the beautiful fall landscape lay before him.

What was he thinking as he made his way around his daily course, his personal journey, his moments of quiet reflection, his spiritual time. He was probably thinking about the night’s football game only hour away. The team depended on him for accurate records. He may have been thinking about his family, his wife, his children and grandchildren who depended on him for years of guidance and love. He may have been thinking about his church, the church that he had devoted years of service and leadership.

A bus driver waved as she passed and he rounded the corner by the school and headed for Home. We will never know what he was thinking on that pleasant November morning, but what we do know is that when he reached his earthly home he took one more step, the end of his earthly journey and the beginning of his eternal homecoming.

When I think of Darrell I am reminded of the Robert Frost Poem, the Road less Traveled. ..Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled… Darrell always took the high road, the one less traveled … and that made all the difference.

First Communion

Last Sunday our family gathered at our church to support and celebrate our grandboys first communion. It seems like only yesterday that they were decked out in white and received the first sacrament of the church, Holy Baptism. They were accepted into the community of Christ and marked as one of Christ's own.

With first communion we celebrate the next sacrament, receiving Holy Eucharist. The boys, six and eight years old, , attended training for their first communion. Early in the service I asked them what they were to do when they went to the alter rail. They answered seriously, "the same thing you and Nanny do." I paused for a moment reflecting on their simple response. What did I expect? The Lord's Supper is hard stuff. It is not completely comprehended by six and eight year olds, but there is plenty of time for the understanding part. That's what Sunday school and children's church is all about. Young children establish an importance for Holy Communion because our actions portray it as important. They will learn the mystery of Christ’s life on earth during confirmation classes.

It is only fitting that we renew our baptismal vows as a part of this service. Continuing the spiritual growth of our young people is not only the responsibility of parents and grandparents but a responsibility for the church membership as well.

As for Communion, we must remember that our children learn much of what they know from modeling the behavior of responsible adults. For now that will have to do.

A Day in the Woods

Enjoying an autumn morning on the trails with my wife,
Close to nature, Close to each other, Close to God.
The sun melts the dew.
Day replaces night with the cool crisp breezes of morning.
The sun bursts into the morning sky.
The brilliance of autumn is revealed.
A canvas of color as light reflects off the landscape.
Wind rustles the leaves.
Mixtures of greens, yellows, reds, and oranges all fading to browns,
Leaves falling aimlessly,
Creating a carpet on the forest floor.
Leaves rattle.
A squirrel scampers and gathers, preparing for harder times.
A reminder of the constancy of time.
The sun rises higher in the sky.
The woodland landscape transforms to a grassland.
Trees yield their dominance to tall and short prairie grasses swaying in the afternoon breezes.
The vanishing canopy allows for the growth of shrubs and other prairie constants.
An area of activity for birds and other critters.
Stilled by fall migrations, the area quiets in preparation for winter.
Our hike is over.
The sun starts it descent.
We gather.
A time to share.
New findings,
New adventures,
New friends.
Calmness at dusk,
The fireball of day cools to shades of red, purple, and pink .
Night returns, cool, damp, and quiet.
Faint sounds of darkness.
Chirping crickets.
Some peeper, hanging on to Indian Summer.
Wood burning.
The crackling camp fire,
Sparkling ambers break the night chill.
The moon takes dominance of the sky,
Stars and planets complete the night time canvas.
Our adventure is complete.
The world is at PEACE.

Why?

As Christians we are always asking why. Why do we notice when others ignore? Why do we care when others feel indifference? Why do we keep trying when quitting is easier? Why do we keep teaching when failure seems more common than any form of success? Why do we always come away from these challenges feeling defeated when our goal is winning? Why do we keep offering only to receive resistance?

The answer to this question came during our annual all school retreat. Our keynote speaker, a sister of mercy who spends a good deal of her life helping refugees, opened her presentation with the answer. We as Christians tackle life’s problems because “God Keeps Putting Them in Our Way?”

Believe it or not, sometimes, as Christians, we are able to break down the barriers. Sometimes are persistence pays off. Sometimes, even for just a few moments we feel a victory, an affirmation of God’s mysterious way.

If this is your first visit I would encourage you to start at the beginning. It's hard to understand anything without the beginning. - Calvin -

God at Dollar General

Speaking of following God's way, yesterday morning on my way to school I needed some lunch supplies. I had been occupied all the previous week on jury duty and my cupboard was bare. I debated on whether to stop at the local Dollar General or just go on to school. I was running late and I really didn't feel well, but when we got to the turn in I just followed my car. I parked, went inside and quickly grabbed up my stuff and proceeded to the check out. It was early and the store had only been opened a few minutes. The only people in the store were the cashier, who was the store manager and me. While checking out the cashier, Pat turned suddenly and grasped the cart next to her. She asked if I was ready. When I replied yes, she asked if I could wait, she said she felt dizzy. I waited a few moments and ask if she was alright.
Her weak response, "I hope so."
I waited a few seconds and asked, “Is there anything I can do, or anyone I can call.”

By now she was very pale, her breathing was heavy, and she felt like she might throw up. She was sweaty and her skin was clammy/

She replies with urgency, "Call 911!"

I did as she instructed and I followed the instruction of the operator, asking question of Pat and trying to get an assessment of her visual characteristics. The 911 operator assured her that an ambulance had been dispatched and the first responders should be arriving any minute. In the interim I was consoling and tried to relieve her fear and anxiety. I could she that she was scared. The First Responders arrived almost immediately and they were able to assess Pat's immediate medical conditions. When the ambulance arrived the paramedics determined that her medical needs would best be addressed at the hospital. Pat wanted to go to the hospital.

There was one condition, that being that I stay at the store until relief for her arrived. While we were waiting for help, she called her son, and and someone to replace her. She would only leave when she was sure the store would be secure. During this whole encounter, I was still the only one in the store besides the medical personnel. By now getting to work on time was the least of my concern, and I had realized that God indeed had taken me shopping that morning for more than groceries. It was much later in the day when I realized that I was not the only one in the store. God was there to guide me and to care for Pat. When the replacement arrived, customers followed and I continued my daily routine. Much later in the day it hit me. “If I had not stopped, Pat may have collapsed in the store, all alone." The outcome could have been much different.

I checked on Pat later and found that she had been released and her diagnosis was extreme vertigo. The diagnosis could have been much worse. We are all hopeful for her complete recovery. I thank God for his mysterious ways. It was a very good day

Got Goat?

Got Goat?

Yesterday was Youth Sunday at my Episcopal church. The theme for the day was the shared theme from this summer’s Bible School, "Got Goat?" The material for the summer session was a discussion of the United Nations Millennium Develop Goals. That’s a pretty tall task for children ages 6-10. But through the use of a goat and a small underdeveloped nation in Africa, the students became acquainted with the needs of suffering brothers and sisters. A goat was the vehicle for a better life style for these African village people. Possessing a goat helped eradicate hunger and poverty, and in the long term also helped provide funds for education. Through healthier meals maternal health and infant mortality also improved. The entire ongoing project addresses the goal of global partnership. The next step it to fill the corral in the parish house. No we they are not actually building a goat corral, but a symbolic corral with symbolic goats. A goat can be purchased for $20. The goat drive will run through Christmas. The money will then be turned over for the purchase of goats for families in Africa. To make this personal, my oldest grandson who recently celebrated his eighth birthday was proud to donate the first goat as a part of his birthday gifts. This is an excellent example of how complex situations can be reduced to an understanding and a meaningful and blessed project.

Spiritual Summer

It's good to be back. For most of the summer the computer was off limits as I was either preparing for or recovering from surgery to my wrist and elbow. It's not that God was not present in my life during this time. It was actually a time of increased presence as I wandered through the frustration of not being able to do what I wanted, and experiencing an increased anxiety associated with surgery and recovery. While I could not post entries during this time my mind was experiencing the spiritual side of summer.

A lot of quality time was with the grandboys, one of God's greatest gifts. My wife and I planted a garden with them to teach a little about sustainability and the balance that God asks us to maintain. A garden needs a certain amount of food, nutrients, a certain amount of water, and a certain amount of care or love. While the grandchildren were not always present, the time we spent in the garden was a special spiritual time. My wife and I both enjoyed the project. All that is left is a healthy crop of cherry tomatoes, but Cal, my oldest grandson picks them washes them and eats them. They are his favorite, and they came from the garden he helped plant and not bought at Walmart.

We also took the boys on a mini-vacation to Branson. It's so much more fun to experience the things you have experienced a thousand times with grandkids for the first time. We saw and did a lot on that three day vacation and had a lot of fun, but the most memorable part was of a more serious nature. Did I mention the boys are inseparable? They may argue and scuffle, but they always have each other's back. While shopping in a crowded store they became separated for a short period of time. In an adult world this was far from a crisis, but to a six and seven year old, it was a serious situation. Wil, the youngest was wailing, " He's lost, he's my brother, he's the only brother I have. Someone may steal him and I will never see him again."

Cal, the oldest, just stopped to look at something of interest, and the crowd closed between us. When my wife rescued him, he had just realized that he was separated. In minutes we were all reunited. It was a very tearful time with a lot of serious hugging. Cal was more upset about upsetting his little brother than he was about being separated.

While I was driving them home, a song came on a cd called, "What Would I Do Without You." I noticed that the arguing and the horseplace stopped and the backseat was very quiet. When the song was finished and just about the time we got to their house I heard one say to the other, "We're a Team." They hugged each other, I dropped them off at home and on that note our vacation ended.

Independence Day also had its memorable moments. Early in the week before the Fourth, one of our oldest parishioners and one of the area's oldest veterans passed away. He was for sure a patriot for his country and for his God. On Independence Day, I couldn't help but think that he was reviewing the troops from his reviewing stand next to his God. Also, this year Independence Day was on a Sunday. While many of the activities took place on the preceding Saturday, this year’s celebration seemed comfortable with a God and Country theme, which is often times muted in this cynical era of separation of church and state.

I watched my wife, and those she worked with grow spiritually as they provided support for a friend and fellow employee. Their colleague was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer in the early months of spring.. While in the area they were able to talk on the phone and visit. My wife helped her and her sisters with a sale where they sold everything of value. Then she moved away to live with her daughter. While the drive to visit her was two hours from our house, my wife loaded up the van several times during the summer to take a variety of her working family to visit. Norma was a lovely lady who would often time dress as a clown while working because one of her goals in life was to make people happy. She was also a former hospice nurse which allowed her to meet death with dignity, with a certainty of her heavenly travel arrangements. She passed shortly after the Fourth of July. My wife and all those who were near Norma during her summer of suffering were blessed and certainly example of how God guides you, even in the dark times.

Many other things happened over the last three months, but these are the ones that made lasting impressions. I do think God for my successful surgery and recovery and as I return to school I look forward more regular numerous posts. I will also be providing special post from time to time and if you are a new reader I would encourage you to begin at the blog’s beginning. It is in the early writings that you will get to know me.

Oil Spill At Breakfast

For the convenience of all we gathered at a local restaurant to celebrate Father’s Day with breakfast. Our group, my daughters and son-in-law, my wife and our grandsons enjoyed all the buffet line offered. As the adults visited, the two boys were quietly at work. They had already finished their ice cream and were bored with the adult talk so they were entertaining themselves. As we all know, when active little boys grow quiet, you better pay attention. Yes, they were quietly playing in their water glasses. Their activity also included straws and napkins. They knew better than to play in water when eating out, but since it was Father’s Day, they were counting on Pappy’s forgiving disposition. When I quietly inquired as to why they were making a mess on the table, a discussion of the Gulf Oil Spill was forthcoming. They were inventing ways to solve the “oil spill problem.” The older had a straw, which was bent coming from a glass which represented the ocean. He had discovered the siphoning technique and was pulling the oil from the ocean, the water in the glass, on to a plate on the table. His younger brother, not to be outdone was dealing with the problem directly. The oil spill, water spilled from a drinking glass, was being absorbed by a dinner napkin; he was not wiping up the water (oil), but letting it be absorbed. He insisted that he had not made a mess and all of this was in the interest of science. As adults we too often discount the knowledge youngster today have of what is going on the world around them. What a blessing it is to know that not only were these boys aware of the problem but were actively addressing the problem as only a child could

Saying Farewell to a Colleague

Note – This post is a memorial to a faculty member at a Southwest Missouri Catholic High School. I was a new faculty member four years ago. After a bit of a bumpy start she became my mentor and my protector, not a bad thing to have when you’re the new kid on the block. As she said it, “we are a team.” This past November she was diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. Her final journey was short. Her family requested total privacy. This is an accounting, taken from my journal, of how we said “good-by.”

16 November, 2009

Just before lunch, SHE asked me to watch her 7th hour class. SHE said her husband called and said the doctor called and needed to see them both this afternoon. This does not sound good, but it's like my doctor says, “I always see the glass as half empty.” Not really, but I worry about Sandy. I know that the wait is probably killing her. Maybe she will at least find out what is wrong.

17 November, 2009

Today is a dark day for me. I'm numb and my processing skills depleted. I've worried plenty about HER, but as it was with my mother, I was confident that whatever was wrong they could fix it.. But like my mother I was wrong. Doctors have spent all of this time focused on her heart and in the end; it is her liver that is causing her to waste away. The diagnosis, inoperable liver cancer, the condition was untreatable and terminal. I look at her frail figure, wasting away more each day. It has no doubt been horrible, but not as horrible as the judgment that was pronounced yesterday. With that brief announcement, SHE also informs us that SHE is leaving at the semester. I noticed that the office ladies were both on the verge of a breakdown when I arrived at school, and I also noticed that the principal was in her room when I arrived. I felt bad vibrations when I came through the door. And now SHE says she wants no one to know. SHE wants no fanfare or special treatment or pity. I explained that that is the only way some people have of dealing with this kind of situation, and that trying to face this alone, will make things really hard. People are put on the earth to help people. That's what they are for. Being normal, treating this as if nothing is happening is going to be really hard. I know this is a real downer but I realize SHE was like a mother figure to me. She was just starting to open up and share. I now know that our time together is going to be much to short. If SHE refuses treatment it could be real short. I will pray for guidance. There is a mission for us all in this situation. We'll pray for guidance and strength for HER, her family and for each and every one of us. I feel we are past time for the prayer for healing, and approaching the prayer for God's will and our acceptance. That does not rule out recovery or a long productive final chapter. It could also be a quick finish, or a long road of suffering for HER and all who care. We all pray for HER quality of life regardless of how long or short it may be.

I had lunch with office ladies while our principal tried desperately to get HER to go home. Her husband wanted HER home now. He said that the cancer was everywhere and HER days were numbered. HER walk may be over as soon as Thanksgiving and he seems to thank that Christmas is a long shot. He wants HER home for every last minute. This diagnosis is in a sense out no where. SHE noticed an irregular lump and went to have it checked. They found a growth attached to the liver, but further testing found cancer cells in many spots in the body. It was not been imagination HER skin color was bad. The liver failure had caused her to be jaundice. The assault on the liver drained every ounce of energy SHE could muster.

So that’s the way it is. Not pretty. Not Happy. Just the way it IS. It's like the principal said, "For now, the only thing that matters, the only thing that is important right now is that lady up stairs."




18 November, 2009

Things at school are still foggy. Today things are improving. The substitute is with her when I arrive. They spend a lot of time together. When I go over she gives me some candles for Vicki. She assures me that things are alright for my surgery. She made arrangements with the substitute regarding my surgery. She talks with one teacher now. I hope she tells the remainder of the staff before the day is over. As much as I don't want to give her up, her husband needs her more and they need to be with each other. .

19 November, 2009

The sun is shining and the secret is out. While a cloud still hangs over the building, God reminds us of the beauty of the earth, the same beautiful earth that SHE is apart of. There are things to report from yesterday but I will begin with the here and now. The principal announces to the students that SHE will be leaving the school for medical reasons. While he reports that she has serious health problem he stops short of finishing the story. He tells the whole story to the teachers. It's hard to tell how the students are taking it and many are gone for various reasons. The teachers take it hard. It's funny. She was very quiet about it, but every teacher I talk with today had spoke to Sandy and they are all honored that she shared with them. She made sure we wouldn't discuss it by telling us not to share with others. She wanted to tell those who needed to know on her terms and that is how it should be.. I'll be sharing her students through tomorrow the replacement will begin on Monday. I hope that she lets those who truly care participate in the pain of her ordeal by expressing their feelings to her and that she does not choose to do this alone. God made us a people who care for each other.

Yesterday was harder than Tuesday. She sat at her desk, pretty much just setting. She had teachers in and out of the room, each leaving with sad, sober, sorry look, letting the world know that their system had been shocked. As the day closed, I joined the office staff in telling her good-by. When I assured her that we would be thinking about her, her reply was, "You won't have to worry long, I'm going fast," repeating, "going fast.” One of the ladies rode the elevator down with her and on the elevator SHE told her that she was failing fast. Her skin was chalky grey, and her form, that of a frail old lady. She is indeed failing fast. I hate it when people refer to a person's condition as "giving up," when truly the person is not giving up, when in most cases they are packing up, and while they have much to look forward to, the sorrow they feel is in leaving loved ones early; loved ones who are clinging to fragments of a life fully lived, hopeful of just one more memory.

20 November, 2009

The cloudy, drizzly weather has returned and the reality of HER absence is beginning to soak in. It will not be fully felt until next week when the full student body returns and someone else take over her room. She was such a possessive individual, yet she walked out on her last day with only a small box of things she claimed as hers. The room looks exactly as it did, but it is dark, chairs on the tables; reminders of a closure of sorts.

As I was leaving the nature center last evening following a meeting, a bobcat crossed my path. A bobcat sighting is rare, but they are known to exist in the park area. In Native American lore, the totem of the bobcat embodies the spirit of the life we are losing. Her spirit is being released back to the creator who will reveal her future.

Just setting next to the empty dark room makes me know that every minute more and more of her spirit is vanishing and we all know that with most things that are human, all remnant of the past will disappear and we will begin work to establish a new normal. Today, I really missed HER company

30 November, 2009
I understand that SHE had surgery on Thanksgiving Day to help control the pain and that SHE is still in ICU. It has been four days. She may not make it back home. I guess you have to try to recapture the possibility for life, but I'm sure this has been really rough on her and it could be fatal. .

1 December, 2009

Welcome to December. An announcement reminds us that basketball season starts today. The weather today will be unseasonable warm, but traditional weather should prevail tonight and into the week, maybe even snow tomorrow. We are reminded that we are in the season of advent. The missing advent wreath in the lobby, and the Christmas wreaths that traditionally spruce up the classroom doors, are missing; a subtle reminder of HER. Each year she provided holiday wreathes and greenery for the classrooms, and a giant advent wreath for the lobby.

I as well as most of the staff here have things we are thinking and would like to say about HER. The fact that she is still alive is a testimony to her willingness to allow us to adapt to the sudden change and is allowing us time to accept it. The time is coming, and when it does, we will be able to deal with it as we should. I wonder about her progress on her final journey. Has she been treated to the good life, hopefully so? The letting go for her will be a difficult task as it is hard to break our earthy bonds, but once you fully accept the eternal offer, its difficult to turn it down.

This hasn't been the kind of semester you would imagine as it began with a trip of a life time cruise to Alaska. While that was great, it will never register as the most important development of the semester. Too much has happened since I returned. My scare with heart disease knocked the travel extravaganza out of the water. And then there is the eye site problem and the fact that I am slowly losing my vision. Because of the age we live in, it can be fixed as most things can. Then there is the knee repair that I look forward to on Monday, another one of those things that can be fixed. Pretty tough days, but the most important development of this semester is the loss of HER. Her diagnosis with liver cancer and her immediate resignation will not only change my life but the lives of many, many young people and this cannot be fixed. One of the medical mysteries that still carries a terminal diagnosis. So her full productive life will end for us prematurely with an explanation point. Then life will go on.

13 December, 2009

As far as I know SHE is still in the fog. Last I heard was she was holding on in ICU weighing the imperfections that tie her to this sinful world, against a peaceful guarantee of eternity. Knowing her, she is probably arguing with St. Peter about her placement in line, insisting that there are many if not all who should claim their place ahead of her. The, one size fits all, concept is probably hard for her to accept, but she will get there eventually.


24 December, 2009 – Christmas Eve

Today is Christmas Eve. It is unseasonable warm, but blizzard like conditions are forecast for Christmas Day. I hope we are able to make it to Christmas Eve services.

Yesterday was our anniversary. Despite my recovery from surgery, we went out for lunch and did some last minute Christmas shopping. This was an anniversary tradition. We finished shopping early and returned to spend the evening at home. When the phone rang I knew her time had come. The principal called to tell me that she had passed around 7:30. That was just about the time we said our wedding vows, 38 years ago. The news was shocking at first but not surprising. It was expected and was something that I had been preparing for. Tears stained my face, but I realized that her journey was over, and on our special day. I will always remember this special day in her life. Sleep did not come easy last night. I was tossing and turning, and finally got up and went to the living room and sit in front of the Christmas tree. During the time just before Christmas we leave the tree lit all night, so it was a beautiful and peaceful place to pray and say my final farewell. It was only after my wife held me close did I realized peace and sleep followed

Some Final Thought on My Colleague
.
The last time I saw her she struggled to walk to the door. She carried one small box with those possessions she wanted to take with her. We later found that one of those artifacts was her stapler. . . Go figure. She wore her long winter coat all day. . Her skin was chalky and pale, her voice quiet yet definitive. She set at her desk in her office chair all day. She didn't leave the room for anything. We found out later that she hadn't been able to eat. She lost 100 pounds in the last year. Now, she was confused and didn't know what she really wanted. The diagnosis was too new. It was so final. What choices did she have? As she shuffled out of her room toward the elevator she assured me that I needn't worry for her as she was going fast. She was not going to suffer like the former counselor did. With those words her frail, failing body disappeared behind the elevator door and she was gone.

What's missing? Way more than you would expect. SHE represented the past, a generation of caring, hoping, thinking and dreaming. She was from a time when man did as much as possible to control his destiny. She was a champion for the underdog. Missing is that person who would stay after and visit about what was troubling to you. She was an ear to listen, and a shoulder to lean on. Missing is that stern but kind personality who welcomed students to detention or Saturday school. She accepted those students, unconditionally. Detention or Saturday school was not a debatable issue with her; she was simply the vehicle to carry out the consequence. Missing, a prom sponsor, a yearbook sponsor, a newsletter editor, and the list goes on and on. She was a perfectionist and everything had to be done right. That was just part of her character. Her full productive life ended with an explanation point, and now all of that is gone. Life goes on. I will always remember her and memorialize her.

Found on the Prairie

I remember reading of her passing in the Sunday newspaper, my friend, the first grade teacher who tempered love and respect with traditional learning. She took care of her students, none did without, and learning was fun. The thought of this loss made me feel that the world was being cheated. As I walked through the visitation line I see a fragile young man at the front of the chapel embracing a casket. I remember him growing up, his dad, his mom and baseball. I remember his dad losing a battle with cancer leaving him at an early age and now the sudden loss of mom. The thought of this loss allowed anger to slip in. Flanking the young man were two twin toddlers clinging to the casket. The thought, “It’s not fair!” echo loudly through my heart and tears stain my face. My faith is compromised I’m usually pretty good at funerals; I let my spirituality shield me from a breech of faith, but today is different; I let doubt creep in.

As I walk to the car reality slowly returns. My next stop is a local prairie and an outing with my naturalist’s friends. Our mission is to enjoy the sights and sound of one of nature’s wonders, the prairie. The cloudy, foggy early evening weather matches my mood, but as I walk among the native grasses and wildflowers, I feel my spirit being lifted. I experience the singing of the birds and the variety of early evening sounds and my spiritual reserve returns. I enjoy an affirmation of faith. I feel God’s presence, I know God. While the teacher’s passing is a sudden tragic earthly happening, she is now a part of eternity, the same eternity that embodies the seas, the mountains, and yes, the prairies. In these moments in time, I feel the warmth of the sun and experience a subtle yet defining sunset. I experience the Peace that only God allows. My friend and I are reconnected, not at a mortal venue, but on a spiritual landscape, evident of life eternal.

When I arrive at the funeral the next day, I am not surprised to see the service leaflets adorned with wildflowers emerging from the fog. This is a quiet confirmation of our evening visit. Funerals are a kind of formality. They provide an avenue for family and friends to channel their grief, and they provide a time of adjustment or transition. Maybe an evening walk on the prairie would better serve the purpose but the video that chronicles a life spent on earth provide assurance that this teacher, my friend, had earned her place in the stars. She is not lost. She can be found anywhere, even on a walk on the prairie.

A Bump in the Road

Awakening Moments is a site to chronicle God’s presence in our lives. While most of the postings will reveal bright moments, life is not always that way, at least not for me. But everyday life and how we deal with it is equally a part of God’s presence. This posting is one of those everyday, not so radiant entries.

While writing is a favorite past time of mine, my postings have been limited. Recently I was diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome. The symptoms include numbness in the fingertips and sharp pain in the palms of my hands. A cause can be repetitive use of the computer. The source of the pain is in the wrist. So I try my best to produce this post in a brace that immobilizes the wrist. The brain is still producing the thoughts; it is just becoming more difficult to record them. You really take the use of your hands for granted. Life is becoming very tedious and stressful. My young grandsons tell me I am developing an attitude. The time has come to slow down and look for patience. I have some testing later this week and hopefully there will be something to provide some relief. I have talked with a surgeon and it will be at least six week before I can have surgery. So I must assess the situation and plan accordingly.

I am getting an education of the bad rap that carpal tunnel carries with it. I am surprised how many people see the brace and become suspicious. I am not trying to get on disability, or get any other kind of compensation; I am just trying to resolve the pain. I guess I get defensive because I waited until my condition was past the early detection signs, and the pain was keeping me from sleep. The very idea that wearing a brace is for attention or sympathy is just an added pain.

I am trying to look at this as another bump on life’s journey. The beauty in life’s journey is there is a resolution and by following the spiritual signposts, it may be just around the next corner

Kindergarten Bullying

One Sunday I was having lunch with my daughter and her two boys. While my daughter was getting the boys their lunch my youngest grandson reported that he was sad. He was sad because a little girl in his class was sad. A group of boys were teasing her at lunch, saying that she had a crush on one of the cadet teachers. Sometimes they made her cry.

It got quiet. We were eating out and those seated around us were drawn the dilemma, my grandson is quite dramatic.

The young boy's temper flashed at the possibility that this whole matter was not taken seriously. His face tightened, his voice trembled and his eyes became teary.

He continued his story.
He asked the boys to be nice, but they refused. Then they switched their displeasure towards him. They told him that if he wanted to be friends, he would have to tease the little girl. He bucked up and said if they could not be nice. He was not their friend.

To those seated around us, he was a hero. There was no applause, but some sighs of relief and some approving looks.

As a teacher who deals with hurtful words on a daily basis, I was extremely proud of his stand; to have such convictions at such an early age. I was also very proud of my daughter and my son-in-law for modeling an appropriate life style and for teaching both of the boys compassion and caring for others.

When my daughter returned to the dinner table my grandson repeated the story for her. She and I both indicated our pride in his decisions and told him that it was always proper to be firm when it comes to bullying. We also explained that the best course of action was to tell an adult.

My daughter reported the action to his teacher and the issue was quickly and firmly resolved.

Maybe the lesson here is bullying actions need to be slowed down when youngster are in preschool through second grade, by teachers who students not only respect, but love. Maybe kindness, compassing and caring can be taught at home and reinforced by these early year teachers. Maybe the foundation to repel such situations will develop into a firm foundation and these youngsters will grow up respecting the rights of others and will be able to defend their convictions.
This is only one instance, and a youngster's belief system will be challenged many times in the course of a day, a week, and through the years, but at least in this instance there is evidence of a positive character under construction

Welcome to Awakening Moments

Welcome to Awakening Moments, a blog designed to chronicle the awakewning moments in my life including a couple of miracles, and things as natural as sunsets or a walk in the rain. I am a retired middle school teacher from southwest Missouri. After five years of retirement I took a part time position at a Regional Catholic High School. I am a member of the local Episcopal church, so I fit right in with the Catholic ways. The motivation for the blog developed from a sermon at my church and a speech delivered by the Catholic Bishop, at our school. Both had the central theme of "God's Grace" in our lives and in using our "gifts" to share those experiences It has been a week since I set up the blog and not a day has gone by since that I haven't experienced moments revealing God's presence in my life and in the world.
I hope you will enjoy these moments and will read on to discover the many moments in my life that have strengthed and defined my faith. I hope you will be so moved as to share those moments in your life and we can comment and support each other on our spiritual journeys.

The Day I Met God

The day was bright and sunny. It was a beautiful spring day in late May. I was in my junior year of college, 19 years old, and on an outing with my two best friends. This event was to be the finale of a semester that resulted in total burnout. I had stopped going to class, failed to turn in assignments and was banking on good finals' scores to squeak out a passing grade. The day was a free day, ironically referred to as "dead day," designed as a study time in preparation for finals which would begin the following Monday. The combination of the reckless attitudes and judgments of youth, and the speed of a brand new Ford Mustang yielded the formula for an activity gone bad, and turned deadly.

We were on a day outing to a Southwest Missouri theme park. We were traveling on curvy, hilly roads, challenging the terrain that was characteristic of the Missouri Ozarks. It was almost noon. The accident occurred when the driver lost control of the car, the car crossed the center line, left the roadway, hit a concrete culvert, and slammed head-on into a tree. The tree kept the car from plummeting over a cliff and spiraling out of control to the bottom of a deep ravine. The bounce from hitting the culvert caused a gas leak resulting in an explosion and fire. The car burned in a matter of minutes.

I guess the first miracle was how we got out of the car. The two front seat passengers, who were wearing seatbelt, had serious injuries, the driver, a severely broken arm, and the front seat passenger, a broken back. I was riding in the back, between the seats and not wearing a seatbelt. When the car hit the culvert and bounced, my head tore through the fabric ceiling liner and the inertia from the impact with the tree, slammed it forward into the metal ribbing supporting the roof of the car resulting in serious and extensive head lacerations. The crash impact also forced my whole body forward. My left leg was caught behind the drivers seat, slammed forward, and was twisted, resulting in six inched of ground bone just above my right knee.

My first after crash memory was sitting on something near the roadway. My head was wrapped with a tee shirt. I felt the heat from the flames and remember the crackling sound of the car as it was consumed by the fire. I remember it being dark, the tee shirt was covering my eyes. I remember the shirt was heavy, and wet from the gushing blood. I remember being lifted into an ambulance at the crash scene and being unloaded at a local hospital near the crash site. The local ER doctor sent me on with the ambulance driver to a large city hospital 40 miles away. The doctor told me later that he sent me on because there was nothing he could do and death was only a matter of time. My traveling companions were admitted to the local hospital and were told that I didn't make it. Leaving the hospital was the last thing I remember before awakening in the operating room at St. John's hospital in Springfield, Missouri. Truthfully, I did die in the ambulance on route to the hospital. My blood level plunged below the lethal level resulting in clinical death. This also resulted in a diving blood pressure and cardiac arrest. The ambulance attendant reported to the ER doctors that I had died and had to be revived.

Thus, the beginning of the second miracle, the main miracle. While in the hospital I was in awe over the whole experience and it took time for me to understand. I soon realized that I had experienced that walk through the valley of the shadow of death and had emerged on the threshold of eternity. My life on earth would never be the same.

That was almost forty years ago but I remember it as only yesterday. That experience was my true "Awakening Moment," and the event responsible for the creation of the blog. Much more will follow in future posts.

Keep your eyes, ears, mind, and heart open and you to will experience "Awakening Moments."